/Mixed feelings/

 

Watching the blue sky is soothing to me,

while watching the night sky is bleak.

nobody leaves me yet, I don't have anybody with me.

Not that you need people all the time, 

but they sure do have an impact in your life, isn't it?

Everytime I meet somebody it feels good,

for that moment, it really does.

As time goes by and the glasses we drank wine in dry, 

I loose it,

the want to be with someone

to be loved by someone.

It's not wrong or maybe it is , 

from what i know, it sure is different.

You often cant get people what they want from you ,

I guess it's fine.

if you think you're escaping then you possibly are, 

people change people,

because people need people.

yet..yet,

I don't want to fill the hollow inside me.

but I want to watch hanabi with someone.

Undefined.

Have you ever been through this thought , when you can think but you can't write you can't find your inspiration to do so.

Have you? 

You can see so much happening around you so much you can see but nothing to pour down into words.  Have you ever imagined how it would have been if there were no notebooks no journals no pens to write with no social media to meet with new people how this would have ended? 

We have so much more than what we get. So less to begin with so much to end. We are but, starving , aren't we?

Starving for attention, to run from the truth , to live in virtuality. We crave for the touch between people which can never happen on social media. 

I can't find my inspiration and I know few people with this ideology can understand the depth of my pain.  But ,but most of them don't. I am much more complicated than they are and maybe , maybe that is the reason I have a limited number of friends but many number of pretences. 

No , I did not want to be this complicated . Or maybe I'm not , it's just my thoughts. Whoever is reading this , right now , think of the one thing that makes you different than others if you find it good , if you don't , good . It does not matter how much flawed you are and your flaws aren't gonna reflect in all your relationships but the best part is, you are unique no matter who you are with . If they cannot accept you as you are , flawed , they don't deserve you . 

Now. This does not mean you cannot be wrong and if your partner does not agree with you he/she does not mean they don't like you , you have to understand what wrong he/she is talking about. If you are in an abusive relationship , be it a guy or a girl . My tip , get the fuck out .

Right now . It starts now . 

do you?

Now that it has been so long, I still wonder what it feels like to be in love.

Does it feel like I’ve butterflies in my stomach?

Does it feel like my chest is going to burst?

Or do I feel the blood gushing through my veins?

So, what doe it feel like to be in love?

You see, it is the feeling that matters.

December 15, 2018 :

We had a conversation for the last time. It was wrecking to hear his voice shatter into pieces as I spoke the following words “I don’t."

I felt nothing that day, yes I cried but I felt nothing that day. I was not sad, I was not angry, I was not happy either.

Today I realise what I was that day. If you have guessed it, well and good but I’ll break it to you,

I was numb.

Ever wondered what it feels like to be numb?

Its devastating , not that it will help you understand how it feels like, just an adjective I had to use .

March 8, 2019 :

I saw him standing, I did get a  déjà  vu earlier that day of the chances of meting him. I did not look at him. My heart was bursting out of my chest. I could feel the blood gushing through my veins. I was anxious.

Today I wonder what made me so vulnerable that day and probably it was something I still do not know.

Vulnerable, what has made you feel so?

 October 11, 2019 :

I broke through something I’ve long been trying to understand.

It is reality.

It is but a leap, so, take it, face the truth. Might not be good all the time but it’s fine.

It’ll pass just know one thing .

Whatever happens in life, happens for a reason. It’s not remotely important for the reason to be good, you don’t want your life to be too good. Or do you?

Have you ever seen the sky clear after a storm ? 

Have you seen the girl in the random book store peeping intensely to her favourite genre?

Have you seen people passing by not even knowing you exist ?

They say live life. They say be who you are .

But , do we really know who we are? Or getting to know who we are is living life ?

It really fucks my mind seeing how premiscuois I can be. 

Watching mossess grow in my balcony , watching the jade plant turning side to the way there is more sun. Watching a seed grow into a plant. 

Our lives are like a gliding window. Sometimes we shut it . Sometimes we open it wide. 

It's really amazing that the world is so quite. The sounds of nature is so soothing. 

It's funny how unimportant your presence is , it hurts really but it's the truth. It's funny how less number of people remember you after you are gone. 

But you don't want everyone to remember you , do you?

A psychologist can't tell you your traits no one can ,except you. 

That's what life is , finding who you are . 

//Out of context

I'll meet you

I’ll meet you again,

Next summer solstice,

when you heart will be numb

face will be pale , your vigour will be lost,

I’ll meet you again my love,

when the cigarettes I smoked will not be on your desk,

I’ll meet to you again and it’ll be perfect,

There won’t be frozen promises,

There will be liquor and delicacies,

Ill meet to again and taste the same tea you liked.

Ill meet you again and it will be raining.

Ill will be drenched and so will you be,

Ill know it was us and you will know it was never meant to be.

Ill meet you//akansha

maybe.

There are so many things in the world that are just, inevitable .

So many dreams we want to follow .

So many questions of accusation .

So many guilt running through the body .

To be true ,

How often do you realize that all the things you say are gonna come back at you out of the blue ?

How often do you feel like surrendering ?

You know truth is like an oblivion ,once it has happened , it cannot be undone .

It’s a Sunday morning , warm breeze of summer , cloudy day not that much of heat , maybe just because it is 7:04  a.m.

She’s awake , she makes herself some coffee sits down on the bean bag she bought the day ago with him . She’s pale , her lips parted, long fingers short nails , painted with transparent enamel , she’s holding a medium sized mug , white with peach embellishment designs . She’s wearing this pure cotton camisole with casual pants . She has a habit if ticking the mug with her finger like trying to reminisce . Maybe she is, maybe she is reminiscing about him about the fight they had the day before in the mall , maybe she is sad because she turned the vibrant mood to a grey pain . Maybe , maybe not .

She puts the mug on the table picks up the phone that was charging .

“100%” it shows . She unlocks the phone with her fingerprint goes to the application “WhatsApp”, opens the chat with contact named “Jake” , checks his last seen .

“last seen today at 1:54.”

Puts the phone down .

She didn’t check the phone for another  2 hours , then a message pings up .

“ Maybe it had been better if we did not meet Susan. I’m leaving for LA. Bye .”

She checks puts it back . Shuts it down and cries .

A year later again I see her , ticking the mug sitting on the bean bag .

Paris - chapter 1

I was standing on pont des arts. 
Admiring the locks and thinking , I can't put mine on it.
No one can anymore.

Drowning in my thought, I saw you,
You, you were wearing an old ripped denim with a t-shirt from Tommy Hilfiger. Oh, those red and blue stripes.
You were smoking a cigarette on a fall evening,
You, were anything but what I wanted you to be,
You were wretched, you were open minded but close hearted.
You walked up to me as I stared, stood beside me, looking at the same lilac sky . 

"Isn't it beautiful?",  you said stamping the cigarette.
"What is?", I asked tucking my coat close to me, it was cold.
"The weather, inside of you." , he said .

I had nothing to say, I was so drawn to you, still not knowing why we did whatever we did.

Maybe we were in love.