It was 3 am, not a particularly good time to be awake but, I guess, mental illnesses have their own perks.

She was sitting beside her window staring at the darkness or just the glistening road that was reflecting light after the rain.

It’s hard to explain what she was looking for when she was looking,  you know.

The next day, she woke up at 6 am,

Smudging her eyes, she made a cup of earl grey tea, she has been spacing out a lot.

I wonder why?

You see, we’ve been living together for a while now,

We eat. Sleep. Make love (maybe or just have plain sex)

It feels inexplicably empty around her. 

I love her, but then, why do I feel this?

Why do I feel we’re out of love as if it’s some quantity?

Sometimes, she laughs, I like it, I like the creases on her face, damn I really love her.

But I also feel I can never be like that around her, then the feeling I have for her are they really love?

No?

Then what are they?

I wonder if she ever felt loved by me, did she feel the exhilaration around me?

How did it turn this way?

How did I meet her?

No, this shit does not faze me, but my memory is hazy.

20^th December 2027

I’ll tell her today, that it’s over.

I don’t think she will mind moving out, just like she didn’t mind moving in.

“I guess, we’re out of love, mara”

“we were never in love, Kaami”

“what?”

“filling up emptiness isn’t love.” 

//thoughts at 5 am

maniac//

Everytime I saw her reflection on the mirror I saw her sad.

They say mirror shows you who you really are, 

Then I guess she was just sad or depressed or anxious or suffering from dementia or amnesiac or just plain sad.

She use to work for a huge company but then she stopped going

For days than weeks.

As if she didn't want to live rather exist. 

What was it midlife crisis?

I remember her saying the things she wanted to do you know.

About the painting the rooms and making it all pastel, getting some flowers.

Now all I can see is glass shattered on the floor and cigarettes on the ashtray, a bottle of bourbon laying around a orchid with no flowers and no life.

What does it mean to loose someone you love? 

Have you ever felt it?

I don't know what it feels like,

I have seen so many deaths.

But I guess everytime someone dies they take a piece of us with them so our being, our soul is torn apart.

Everytime.

Living in Cities is so lifeless, you live, you die no one cares. 

So, find someone you know why? Because you're weak. You pretend all that much you when you hit the bottom you need love. What ever it's defination be in your world. 

Every person is in his/her own world so if that is the case,

how many worlds will there be? 

A.M

Diary of a wreck

Play Prayer X on Spotify by King Gnu and read this, author's suggestion.

She brought a man again, he was sober, though.

She was wearing a glimmering short dress and was drunk. 

She has this huge glass window, I saw her fucking. Then sleeping.

The man left in the morning, she woke up made herself some chamomile tea, good for depression, you know .

It was a Sunday and she was supposed to go with friends for clubbing which she did.

She took a burbon and sat at the same place and was swirling her drink .

A man came up to her, asked her to dance. She didn't.

I did'nt know why.

She went out of the bar, walking back home.

The man came up to her, asked her if he can drop her ?

She said no, I don't know why she is pretty promiscuous you know.

He didn't force, she sat down on a bench, he sat down beside her, she was crying .

Anxiety.

He watched her cry didn't say a word. She tilted her head towards his shoulder to rest, he went up close to her and they sat, for a while. 

They went back to her place, he made her some chamomile tea and she slept. 

// Diary of a wreck 2 

/Mixed feelings/

 

Watching the blue sky is soothing to me,

while watching the night sky is bleak.

nobody leaves me yet, I don't have anybody with me.

Not that you need people all the time, 

but they sure do have an impact in your life, isn't it?

Everytime I meet somebody it feels good,

for that moment, it really does.

As time goes by and the glasses we drank wine in dry, 

I loose it,

the want to be with someone

to be loved by someone.

It's not wrong or maybe it is , 

from what i know, it sure is different.

You often cant get people what they want from you ,

I guess it's fine.

if you think you're escaping then you possibly are, 

people change people,

because people need people.

yet..yet,

I don't want to fill the hollow inside me.

but I want to watch hanabi with someone.

Undefined.

Have you ever been through this thought , when you can think but you can't write you can't find your inspiration to do so.

Have you? 

You can see so much happening around you so much you can see but nothing to pour down into words.  Have you ever imagined how it would have been if there were no notebooks no journals no pens to write with no social media to meet with new people how this would have ended? 

We have so much more than what we get. So less to begin with so much to end. We are but, starving , aren't we?

Starving for attention, to run from the truth , to live in virtuality. We crave for the touch between people which can never happen on social media. 

I can't find my inspiration and I know few people with this ideology can understand the depth of my pain.  But ,but most of them don't. I am much more complicated than they are and maybe , maybe that is the reason I have a limited number of friends but many number of pretences. 

No , I did not want to be this complicated . Or maybe I'm not , it's just my thoughts. Whoever is reading this , right now , think of the one thing that makes you different than others if you find it good , if you don't , good . It does not matter how much flawed you are and your flaws aren't gonna reflect in all your relationships but the best part is, you are unique no matter who you are with . If they cannot accept you as you are , flawed , they don't deserve you . 

Now. This does not mean you cannot be wrong and if your partner does not agree with you he/she does not mean they don't like you , you have to understand what wrong he/she is talking about. If you are in an abusive relationship , be it a guy or a girl . My tip , get the fuck out .

Right now . It starts now . 

do you?

Now that it has been so long, I still wonder what it feels like to be in love.

Does it feel like I’ve butterflies in my stomach?

Does it feel like my chest is going to burst?

Or do I feel the blood gushing through my veins?

So, what doe it feel like to be in love?

You see, it is the feeling that matters.

December 15, 2018 :

We had a conversation for the last time. It was wrecking to hear his voice shatter into pieces as I spoke the following words “I don’t."

I felt nothing that day, yes I cried but I felt nothing that day. I was not sad, I was not angry, I was not happy either.

Today I realise what I was that day. If you have guessed it, well and good but I’ll break it to you,

I was numb.

Ever wondered what it feels like to be numb?

Its devastating , not that it will help you understand how it feels like, just an adjective I had to use .

March 8, 2019 :

I saw him standing, I did get a  déjà  vu earlier that day of the chances of meting him. I did not look at him. My heart was bursting out of my chest. I could feel the blood gushing through my veins. I was anxious.

Today I wonder what made me so vulnerable that day and probably it was something I still do not know.

Vulnerable, what has made you feel so?

 October 11, 2019 :

I broke through something I’ve long been trying to understand.

It is reality.

It is but a leap, so, take it, face the truth. Might not be good all the time but it’s fine.

It’ll pass just know one thing .

Whatever happens in life, happens for a reason. It’s not remotely important for the reason to be good, you don’t want your life to be too good. Or do you?

Have you ever seen the sky clear after a storm ? 

Have you seen the girl in the random book store peeping intensely to her favourite genre?

Have you seen people passing by not even knowing you exist ?

They say live life. They say be who you are .

But , do we really know who we are? Or getting to know who we are is living life ?

It really fucks my mind seeing how premiscuois I can be. 

Watching mossess grow in my balcony , watching the jade plant turning side to the way there is more sun. Watching a seed grow into a plant. 

Our lives are like a gliding window. Sometimes we shut it . Sometimes we open it wide. 

It's really amazing that the world is so quite. The sounds of nature is so soothing. 

It's funny how unimportant your presence is , it hurts really but it's the truth. It's funny how less number of people remember you after you are gone. 

But you don't want everyone to remember you , do you?

A psychologist can't tell you your traits no one can ,except you. 

That's what life is , finding who you are . 

//Out of context